In a post a couple of weeks ago I had mentioned that I was going to write a note to Kenley every day in her last month before she turns one... and publish it here. And I am sticking to my word. Todays is her 11 month birthday.
On Thursday afternoon my computer crashed. So I ended up having to buy a new one the very next day. My new computer will be heading back to Napa with my mom on Tuesday (she is visiting right now) so that the NPI dictation program that I work in can get put on it. However, I will blog from my phone and/or Gavins computer to make this happen!
I CANNOT believe it has almost been a year since our little girl was born & what a year it has been.
Letter # 1 "My Kidney Bean"
Sometimes I sit and wonder about how I will tell you about how you came to be. It's so complex, baby girl and I'm not even sure I'm qualified to explain. How will I tell you about how young we were? and how green in the ways of the world? How will I tell you about how at first we weren't convinced we could handle this? I don't have the words yet but maybe someday I will. I'm still just making all of this up as I go... so thanks for being so flexible.
You had been in my belly for ten weeks when I saw you for the first time. "See that flicker?" the nurse said. "thats her little heart beat." She told me you were about the size of a kidney bean. I knew right then and there that you were mine, and no one elses. Even if I couldn't give you the world that you deserved, I knew my love would be enough.
When I think back on the first couple months of my pregnancy, the first thing that comes to mind is how I could smell EVERYTHING! I assosiate my memory of all the smells with certain "situations" that came about in those first weeks/months. It was Halloween when we sat down with both sets of your grandparents to discuss a "game-plan," I remember the smell of burning pumpkin as I sat on the couch next to your daddy as we talked, cried, and even laughed with Grandy, GMa Patty, Papa and Granny... we knew everything was going to be OK. I remember the sterile smell of the ER a couple weeks after that when I spent the night in the hospital (after getting e.Coli poisoning) and being so scared I was going to lose you. It was that night that I realized I couldnt live without you. I distinctly remeber the smell of the cinnamon air freshner at Replay Sports (where I was working) when I called Angel Adoption Agency to tell them they need not send me their paper work anymore. "I'm so sorry, so so sorry... I can't live without her."
I hope you dont hold my honesty against me baby girl, I want you to know I only ever wanted the best for you. I may not be perfect but I know that I am what's best for you, that YOU are what's best for me, and that God has blessed us with each other.
Those first months and weeks were some of the hardest, yet looking back on them I miss it! I look at your little face now and can't believe that anyone every made a fuss... like you were always supposed to be here and that anything else simply wouldnt be our life.
I love you, Mama
This is the sweetest thing ever. i look forward to reading letters every day :) and maybe ill start journaling letters so someday ill post them on my blog. xoxo
ReplyDelete